funny one liners for twitter

Do you like a good laugh. Do you like to make others laugh? Here are some hilarious one liners that are perfect to place in your status updates in sites like Facebook, Twitter and Myspace.

Here are some of my favorite one liners sourced from Twitter.

1. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
2. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
4. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
5. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
6. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Do witches run spell checkers?
9. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
10. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
11. For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
12. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
13. Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
14. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
15. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
16. Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
17. Jesus is coming, so look busy.
18. Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.
19. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
20. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
21. Plan to be spontaneous .......... tomorrow.
22. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
23. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
24. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
25. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
26. Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
27. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
28. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
29. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
30. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
31. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
32. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
33. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
34. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
35. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
36. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
37. Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
38. Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
39. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
40. How does Teflon stick to the pan?
41. Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
42. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
43. Death is hereditary.
44. Spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks.
45. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

Post them in your Twitter, Facebook & Myspace updates and make someone laugh out loud today!

Got any more? I would love to see them posted as a comment ;)

Need more? Check out Likes It and rate your favorite.