Chuck Norrisisms

1. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
2. When life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes orange juice.
3. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless telephone.
4. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.
6. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
7. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
8. Chuck Norris runs Windows 7 on his Etch-a-Sketch.
9. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
10. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
11. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
12. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
13. Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
15. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
16. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
17. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
18. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
19. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
20. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
21. Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
22. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
23. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
24. Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
25. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
26. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
27. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
28. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
    
29. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
    
    
30. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

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